What do men and women really want

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By Tonja Weimer, March 2011


Men want:

* To fall in love

They may be prone to crane their neck at every pretty girl who walks by, but basically, guys want someone they can be crazy, madly, deeply in love with— and they want someone who feels the same way about them. They may take a little longer to commit to a relationship because when there’s a breakup, it takes them longer to get over it.

* To have a home

Guys do not want to be alone. They aren’t “wired” to be the “nesty” nurturing heartbeat of the home. They can do it, but they can never create it the way a woman can. They want to be part of a home and family and they want to belong somewhere. Women are much better at making a home for themselves than men are. When a man has a broken heart, he goes to another woman. When a woman has one, she usually goes to her girlfriends.

* To be with someone who is attractive

Many women believe that all men want only a young slim woman who looks like a college girl. Not true. Yes, they want to be with someone who is physically appealing, but what they really want is someone who takes care of herself, has some pride in her appearance, shows some style and taste in her clothes, makeup, and hair, and spends a little time making herself look as good as she can. What he doesn’t want is someone who is so self-absorbed in herself, obsessed on her looks, and shallow in her outlook, she has no time or depth to notice him.

* To be with someone with a great attitude

Men do not want to be with someone who is angry, yelling, and acting out. They do not want a woman with a cold, edgy, or negative attitude. To try and combat that kind of energy is exhausting. They want to be with someone who is not a doormat, but who chooses to see more of the good in them than the bad.

* To be surrounded by a feminine presence

Men love feminine women. They love women who smell good, wear soft textures, and respond warmly to children and animals. That may sound like a cliché but it holds true, over and over. They notice how she decorates her home, the ties she maintains, and the quality of her friendships. Men need and want to be nurtured, and generally speaking, the only place they can find that is with a woman. If she plumps his pillows, gives him a back rub, and occasionally cooks his favorite meal—all things being equal—he’s hooked.

* Someone they can trust

Men are also sentimental creatures. They desperately want to trust the person they give their heart to. When a man has had his trust broken, it may take him a long time to make another true and deep commitment. He may think he doesn’t trust women in general. The truth is: he just doesn’t trust himself to make a good choice.

* Kindness and support

These are the qualities that you will find in lasting relationships. Men need to hear five positive statements to every negative one from a woman. Men so badly need to hear that they are appreciated and “seen” for their good characteristics, they can easily fall prey to women who will use those tactics to entrap them. Women who are naturally good at affirming people, making them feel welcome, and who have gracious listening skills are the women men seek. If men sense any hint of a potential critic living within her, he will bolt.

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* A sense of humor

Women who have charm, wit, and a deeply developed sense of humor are irresistible. Being able to find the funny bone in all situations and intersect at the same point of the “get it” is a richness that men crave. Being with a woman that they can share laughter with makes men feel fearless.

Women want to be:

* Your number one priority

If your woman comes first in your life, it won’t be an issue between the two of you when your best friend, mother, parent, or child calls with a problem. She understands your importance to them and wants you to be the kind of guy who comes through for people. One of the things she loves about you is that you have close ties to others and you are loyal. You also take time to explain to her where you’re going and why. But if you break a special date with her because your buddies want you to go bowling with them, or your mother wants you to take her to the mall, or your child is throwing a fit because he wants a new soccer ball… now…she is going to feel resentful, unappreciated, and angry. Because, more than anything, a woman wants and needs to be number one in your life.

* Safe

A woman wants you to be looking out for her physical safety, of course, but she especially needs to feel emotionally safe. She needs a man she can trust, who keeps his word, and who honors his commitments. If you can’t keep your agreements with her, then she needs you to be courageous and honest enough to tell her.

* Heard

Women want to be heard. She wants you to listen, care about what she is saying, and believe her. Men tend to be (or think they are) more analytical than women. Therefore, you may have a tendency to dismiss what she is saying. If your love is trying to talk to you, turn off the cell phone and TV and give her your attention. After she speaks, summarize what she’s said to you with the added value of affirming her intentions, concerns, or opinions. Negative feedback is not helpful. Facts, information, and your experiences are appreciated if she feels you really heard her and your attitude is loving and supportive.

* Responded to

If you do what she asks…you will have a peaceful home. Unless she is totally unreasonable, don’t argue, complain, or deride her request. If you don’t trust her, then her words will sound like demands and will have little affect on you. (And if you don’t want to respond to her, you should ask yourself why you are there.) All things being equal (she does her best to give you what you want) you don’t have to be a wimp to give her what she wants. You do need to feel secure within yourself.

* With a stand-up guy

Women are attracted to and stay bonded with a guy who takes care of his career and business, keeps his word, takes the high road in all situations, and is not a victim of life. If she’s in love with you, she wants to please you. But if you are an endless story of growing or unresolved problems, complaining about the unfairness of life and other people, and are thin skinned or petty…she will find it hard to support you. Stand-up guys have their issues just like anyone else, but they’re willing to look at themselves, take ownership of the problem at hand, and do something about it.

If you work at the above suggestions, becoming more and more the kind of guy women want, ultimately, you will find that you are the kind of guy you want to be. So go ahead. Make her happy. You’ll make yourself happy in the process. This is what women really want.