Check our survey to find out what others think about dating

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Have you ever dated more than one person simultaneously?

1. Yes 53%

2. No 33%

3. Don’t Know 13%

Do you believe in love at first sight?

1. Yes 71%

2. No 20%

3. Don’t Know 9%

Choose the most important features of a partner

1. Looks 11%

2. Personality 30%

3. Physique 5%

4. Sense of Humor 14%

5. Eyes 10%

6. Popularity 0%

7. Smile 12%

8. Hair 7%

9. Education 7%

10. Career 3%

When a previous relationship has ended which of these is true?

1. I was unfaithful 0%

2. He/she was unfaithful 29%

3. Amicable separation 9%

4. Irreconcilable differences 23%

5. Angry breakup 3%

6. Still friends 14%

7. Still lovers 3%

8. Just drifted apart 6%

9. Not sure what happened 14%

On a date do you think your companion is generally 100% truthful?

1. Yes 22%

2. No 78%

3. Don’t know 0%

When does a date become a relationship?

1. 1 week 3%

2. 1 month 17%

3. 2 months 20%

4. 6 months 13%

5. Once we have had sex 13%

6. Once I have met the parents 8%

7. Once we have been on vacation 0%

8. Once we have moved in together 0%

9. When he/she says I love you 25%

Do you trust someone when you first date them?

1. Yes 24%

2. No 67%

3. Don’t Know 10%

Do you think it is okay to date someone from work?

1. Yes, absolutely 22%

2. Yes, if you are careful 26%

3. Yes, if it remains a secret 4%

4. Yes, but not from your own office 15%

5. No, you will risk your career 13%

6. No, absolutely not 11%

7. Unsure 9%

What is the biggest acceptable age gap for you?

1. Same age only 0%

2. 1 years 2%

3. 3 years 12%

4. 5 years 44%

5. 10 years 24%

6. 15 years 4%

7. 20 years 2%

8. 25 years 4%

9. Age doesn’t matter at all 8%

What is the first thing you notice about your date?

1. Looks 38%

2. Dress 10%

3. Personality 17%

4. Wealth 0%

5. Style 2%

6. Manners 0%

7. Smile 10%

8. Eyes 19%

9. Humor 4%

10. Generosity 0%

How hard it it to find someone you really like?

1.) Impossible 9%

2.) Difficult 59%

3.) Fairly difficult 21%

4.) Fairly easy 9%

5.) Very easy 3%

Do you think people’s expectations are too high these days?

1.) Yes 62%

2.) No 31%

3.) Don’t Know 7%

Do you like being single?

1.) I love it 0%

2.) I like it 15%

3.) I don’t mind 35%

4.) I don’t like it 15%

5.) I hate it 35%

Do appearance and looks matter to you?

1.) Yes 67%

2.) No 17%

3.) Don’t know 17%

Would you ever use internet dating services?

1.) Yes 69%

2.) No 20%

3.) Don’t know 11%

Do you find it easy to meet new people?

1.) Very easy 17%

2.) Quite easy 6%

3.) Easy 17%

4.) Quite difficult 42%

5.) Very difficult 17%

6.) Impossible 3%

How long have you been single?

1.) 1 week 11%

2.) 1 month 7%

3.) 3 months 22%

4.) 6 months 18%

5.) 1 year 11%

6.) 2 years 7%

7.) 2 years+ 24%

Would you like to get married?

1.) Yes 44%

2.) No 12%

3.) Maybe 32%

4.) Not again 4%

5.) Don’t know 8%

What kind of hair color are you most attracted to?

1.) Blonde 32%

2.) Black 16%

3.) Light Brown 8%

4.) Dark Brown 8%

5.) Grey 4%

6.) Red 8%

7.) Bald 8%

8.) Don’t Mind 16%

How important are a guy’s shoes when checking him out?

1. Extremely 8%

2. Very 13%

3. Quite 45%

4. Not very 11%

5. Not at all 6%

6. Don’t notice 18%

Are men too clingy these days?

1. Yes 38%

2. No 33%

3. Haven’t noticed 11%

4. Don’t know 18%

Do you think a man should pay for dinner?

1. Yes always 42%

2. It depends if I like him 4%

3. Sometimes 34%

4. No, both should share the cost 11%

5. No the girl should pay 1%

6. Only if it’s expensive 0%

7. No opinion 7%

What kind of woman do you go for?

1. Modern career girl 35%

2. Professional go-getter 7%

3. Home-loving girl-next-door 34%

4. The quiet librarian 4%

5. The outrageous vamp 0%

6. The femme fatale 0%

7. The girl at the checkout 6%

8. Someone like mom 1%

9. The free spirited hippy chick 8%

10. Your ex 6%

Do girls over estimate their looks?

1. Always 15%

2. Usually 25%

3. Sometimes 28%

4. Rarely 17%

5. Never 5%

6. All women are beautiful 10%

Do you know what people are attracted to about you?

1. Yes always 4%

2. Yes I have some ideas 32%

3. I can guess 18%

4. Not really 32%

5. No idea 14%

Girls, how often should men buy flowers for you?

1. Once a day 5%

2. Once a week 9%

3. Once a month 23%

4. Once a year 5%

5. When it’s special 20%

6. Spontaneously 33%

7. Never 6%

For me, dating is mainly about…..?

1. Love 21%

2. Marriage 19%

3. Friendship 8%

4. Partnership 6%

5. Sex 19%

6. Company 3%

7. Social life 3%

8. Romance 12%

9. Conversation 3%

10. Sharing 6%

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How do we know when the person we have begun to date is more than just another date on our ever-growing list of nameless faces and faceless names? After all, surely we need some identifying features to root out the wheat from the chaff. Is this person we have seen 6 of 7 times just good fun or do we really think they have the qualities to become relationship material? To answer your own question you need to know who you are looking for and what characteristics are attractive to you and then try and stick to them. If you are dating the right kind of people for you and not just filling gaps in your diary then this may get you off to a good start.

Much of what determines your commitment to your date in the first few days and weeks is a combination of intuition, extra sensory perception (feelings) and what you care to see with your own eyes. If you are desperately lonely and want to meet anyone then anyone will do and this article is irrelevant. If, however, you are more choosey which I suspect deep down you all are, then you will want to tray and detect and then reassure yourself that you haven’t just made an awful mistake.

The first thing you should do after the first couple of dates is take a step back and be honest with yourself as to how you are truly feeling. Have you been swept off your feet, are you relieved they are nice, are you blown away by their good looks, can you handle the first few peculiarities you have spotted in them and although they are cute now, will they be in 40 years. Can you see yourself with them 10 years down the line. Can you picture them older. Do they make you feel alive because before you were bored or do they make you feel alive because they are dynamite.

Do you hang on their every word, wait for the next meeting with baited breath? Do you find yourself abandoning your old routine and new horizons opening up. Can you still eat or has your appetite gone. Have you been shopping to may yourself look fresh and hot. Do you find yourself getting in at 4am from a date and do you find yourself having any sleepless nights with your mind full of excited thoughts.

Do you find yourself anxious and panicking. Do you find yourself questioning the intensity of how you are feeling. Are you finding your feelings fully reciprocated. Is there a clear sense of communication between you. Do you actually have similar opinions and tastes or do you care? Do you want to spend all your time with them now or do you find that you are worried your current lifestyle is being compromised more than you would like. Are you doing the calling or are they and how does this make you feel?

In other words, start analyzing the situation as you see it and be bold. Be critical and look at where you are finding yourself being led. If you are happy and content with all the major questions then keep going because you may have just chosen well. If you find on the other hand that you have some small niggling doubts then don’t push these thoughts away as they aren’t going anywhere, they will just become amplified over time.

The main issue is one of whether you trust your new date and whether you believe what you are being told. It is amazing how many girls I meet how say that strangely they haven’t been allowed to see where he lives, or are not quite sure what he does for a living or how much he earns or where his parents live. This isn’t an enigma factor ladies, it is a sure sign that all is not quite right. There may be some perfectly valid reasons why things are concealed from you in the first few weeks so don’t push things too far. You may not yet have earned the right to know everything about your new love. At the same time, you should feel that the possibility of finding everything important out is imminent. Evasive behaviour is exactly that – untrustworthy and your alarm bells should ring.

Trusting your imagination is very important. If you can see yourself with that person in all kinds of situations then you may have chosen well. It is important to creatively imagine how you think you will be together in various scenarios, from being on vacation, to being married, to maybe having children to being older. In doing so you get a sense of how things might work out or might not. If you really can’t see yourself with them long term then maybe better to cut your losses whilst you can.

Conversation is critical in establishing if things feel right. Sex does not disguise any problems eventually although sex is a good temporary fix. If your relationship is based on sex then its great whilst it lasts but I doubt that it will last. People say that opposites attract and that is true in that you bring different experiences and opinions to the relationship but the foundation of being a great couple is on a deeper, more critical level of respect and understanding. I find that couples with similar outlooks on life do well together because they have built a support system for each other which requires little explanation. It is called a common understanding. This sometimes explains why couples from certain regions, places, or faiths have better success than the melting pot luck of a big city.

Ultimately if you compliment each other and you find that your new love brings to the relationship most of the essential qualities that you really do hold most dear then you are in a strong position for relationship success. If there are some basic flaws but you are having a good time anyway enjoy yourself but know that the person you are with is for now and not for the future.

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Match? Is there such a thing? Well yes I think there is such a thing. Who do we match with? I think the first issue is to know who we are and what we are about. Once we know this then we can work out who we can possibly match with. That innocent comment is where a lot of people fall down. I am often surprised how little people take a good look at themselves. You may feel that you perfectly suit Brad Pitt or Pamela Anderson but then do you really know much about them?

Sure we often want to match ourselves with people of certain look and physical properties and that is entirely natural. However if we weigh 130kg and have never seen the inside of a gym then I think it’s fair to say that we may not be the perfect match to a sportsman or a model. Why? Well simply because nature tells us that we match with likes. On a base level we are here, says nature, to procreate and so we select accordingly.

That of course on its own would be too shallow a premise to write this article but the first element of any match is physical compatibility. Matching with someone on a purely physical level is not enough to last. Sex is a part of any relationship to some degree so looks do matter, even if to a small extent. After all you must be able to wake up next to that person for months or years to come, and you must want to be able to make love to them in some form, even if it’s simply kissing. I often here some people say that appearance is not important to them and I am always impressed. What they really mean is that looks are not important as long as you like the look of that person already. Looks are only ever important if you do not!

Many relationships fail where sex is missing or unsatisfactory, where physical contact in many forms is lost. When that occurs the foundations of a relationship can be rocked so we must say that appearance and therefore physicality in any match is an important factor. The first thing you may look at when you meet someone may be their eyes, smile, teeth, hair, handshake, kiss and physique etc. They are all physical attributes.

The other problem about matching physically is that we may not truly know how physically attracted we are until much further into a relationship we are. It may be sometime before physical intimacy is shared and sexual contact occurs. Therefore an emotional, even love, match may have already developed further. But we do try matching with people, look at fashion. The way we dress and the way we appear in daily life speaks volumes about who we are. Maybe money is tight and we don’t have the cash to look our best. That is true. But what we can do for ourselves by way of presentation comes through loud and clear. Not making an effort is the biggest criticism I hear about guys on a first date. If a woman makes a great deal of effort then a man should respect himself and his date enough to look as good as he can do too.

Okay so we also know that in time appearance and the physical aspects of a relationship become far less important as we get to know a person emotionally and that mental contact with someone becomes far more powerful an influence. Yet initially matching with someone it is still extremely important. We all discuss, chat, talk, debate, joke, laugh, speak etc and it is all because we are identifying with each other and building the foundations of an emotional connection. It may be found in a shared experience or hobby, activity or event. It may be found in opposing powerful views discovered in conversation accompanied by profound respect and deep seated desire to extend this connection further. It may be that we share the same type of pet, a similar liking for certain foods even similar books we read, but they are emotional connections that are essential in establishing any connection. As we can see, initial matching is a complex scenario.

One thing often overlooked in matching with someone is humour. Yes we often specify that someone must have a great sense of humour. And everyone reading this will say, yes they have a great sense of humour. To them! And that’s the killer qualifier. The sense of humour in a high quality match between two people is where it is shared and unquantifiable. Where the humour is at a subtly understood level is essential. What makes one person laugh does not make another person laugh. And yet I watch so many people co-exist without every laughing together and it makes me sad. A solid relationship will have moments where common laughter is essential, where the sense of humour between two people is almost unspoken. That I believe is one of the key ingredients in any true match. You may really be attracted to someone but if they don’t make you laugh you may be wasting your time.

Background sometimes has an influence in a good matching scenario because it has prepared you both with similar social experiences and belief systems. This may be true of schooling, parental experiences; locations lived in, travel undertaken, or even just activities and sports accomplished. This is a wide area and there are no definites but we do know from decades of surveys and evidence that people do tend to stay romantically within their own social strata. This means that people stay with those who they feel most comfortable with. This may be because their common experience and understanding promotes the feeling of a good match.

Outlook on life really is underestimated. If you both have the same goals in life you may make a great match. If you have differing career goals, travel plans, ambitions and personal goals, you could be wasting your time together. There is a huge temptation to offer to compromise when you really meet someone you feel you match with. This may be the wrong thing to do. Because what you are doing is compromising for now. You haven’t solved anything that is important to you; you have simply put it on hold. It may come back to haunt you. Then again you may feel terribly happy to move to San Diego, relocate to Seattle, or cohabit in Anchorage. Often life has no set paths and so this could be perfect to allow the match to develop properly. But the reality is that you both should hold some common opinions and values, maybe in terms of religion, social beliefs or simple views on life and children. Whatever it is, the more you share, the stronger your match is likely to be.

So in the end we meet someone. We like the look of them and they like the look of us, we laugh and chat together, we build an emotional link through conversation and knowledge and we are attracted to each other on multiple levels. We find we have a shared experience through our backgrounds and we share similar outlook on life and oh yes, we live in the same neighbourhood. Match made in heaven? Possibly and possibly not. Love is not just about matching; it is about instant chemistry, something enigmatic and mysterious, not quantifiable. For all the right reasons we can fall in love in an instant with the wrong people and then again, we can simply not find it within us to love someone who appears so right.

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A survey of dating mistakes and lessons learned

I decided to take a survey of good friends and find out what kind of regrets people had when dating. Regrets took on many different forms in their varied answers but I thought it was interesting to ask because it often highlights dating issues we often forget to mention. As with many of my surveys, the results are haphazard but are useful in pointing out that we are not alone in the mistakes that occur in our dating lives. Here follows are a mind boggling catalogue of dating disasters that we should bear in mind as lessons learned.

1, In top spot – dating a married person. Man or woman, it makes no difference. In every version the story was the same, dating a married person was a complete disaster. Not withstanding the lies, deceit, regret, cheating and false promises, on NO occasion did anyone I asked have a good outcome for their married affairs. This was one good example of how to waste your years waiting for someone who will never leave; sharing your loved one with someone else and spending thousands of dollars on stolen moments and brief weekends where you were not the only person on their mind. Avoid like the plague unless you want to lose all the dignity you ever had.

2. Amazingly not marrying your childhood sweetheart was number 2. It appears there are a lot of people who have spent years wishing they had married the person of their dreams when they had the chance. Unfortunately this often tends to be your childhood sweetheart or first love at college. At the time you are too young and there are too many other fish in the sea. In later years you have used them as a bench mark of the minimal level of romance required for potential partners and never quite match it. This leads to a feeling of making do with second best. In turn you start hankering for the girl or boy from all those years ago.

3. Not asking someone out on a date when the offer was there. This is a biggie because we are dealing with the eternal niggling “what if..” question. This tends to come out as a regret at a time when other things are not going well and you find yourself fantasizing. What if you had asked him out. What if you had said yes to that date. What if you had got married and had children. It seems that not asking someone out can leave a long term legacy. Just look at the popularity of reunion sites on the Internet just now.

4. Not ending a bad relationship earlier. Yes lot of us listed this one. There are many of us who have entered into a relationship willingly only to discover to our cost that the relationship wasn’t all it could be. Whilst the door was only over there we chose for many a reason not to walk out of it. Whilst perhaps a worthy concept in itself it does none of us a service. The fact is, too many of us have stayed in long term relationships that were not good for ourselves and our partners. If only we had had the courage at the time.

5. Dating the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Maybe for sex, for appearance, for contacts, for business reasons or even out of sympathy. It appears that there are plenty of people out there who have dated people for the wrong reasons and lived to regret it. This has to be balanced against hindsight. Looking back it is obvious which people we perhaps should never have dated but there are plenty of us who dated the wrong person at the time and knew we were doing it. No excuse.

6. Putting your career first and waiting too long. Oh yes, this is a modern classic. Our current society has a problem in that a third of all adults are now single – and growing. The most commonly sited reason is that we put our career first, especially through out 20′s and then begin seriously dating in our 30′s when we feel ready. The problem is that we are not as young as we were, not as attractive as when we were 21 in many cases, our body clocks are ticking at a  deafening volume and all the best catches have been snapped up. A great many of us appear to be wishing we had sorted out our love lives earlier. Be warned.

7. Leaving someone you were in love with. I don’t have the answers but it cropped up quite a few times in my survey and could be tied in with point 2. People in love have left and seem to struggle to find an explanation. All too often the decision was regretted very quickly only to find that the rejected partner had closed and bolted the door and you were never going to be allowed back. Infidelity is the primary cause, or more to the point, getting caught. If you love someone stay with them faithfully appears to be the lesson here.

8. Not being the nice person you could have been. Treating someone badly in a relationship always comes back to haunt you if you are the guilty party, however empowering it may have felt at the time. As we grow older we list mentally those we could have been nicer too and I am amazed how many of us confess we could have been nicer people to our lovers. I am not talking about physical violence though we all accept that it does exist within our society. No I simply mean being courteous, kind, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, buying flowers, compromising, going on holidays and being romantic and spontaneous. We live and learn and later regret is clearly the message.

9. Dumping someone in a callous and bad way. I have done it and I have had it done to me and I regret both happening. When young it was easy to love and leave and I never thought anything of it. As I grew older I had it done to me by someone I loved and it broke my heart. I don’t think we every do get over being left in a bad way – no explanation, no reasons given. One day it’s fine, the next day you’re gone. Dumping via email, texting or phone should be made cardinal sins and it appears from my survey that many of us regret doing just that.

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The Basics of Meeting A Stranger

Here are some tips to help you actually enjoy your next blind date!

• Be Open Minded

Remember this is a blind date. You have never seen this person before. Don’t form a mental image or have high expectations. You will only be disappointed if he/she is not how you imagined. You will know within the first few minutes whether you are attracted to him/her or not.

• Keep it Short but Sweet

Don’t arrange to meet at the cinema, for dinner, or any where else that could keep you together for more than an hour. Arrange to meet up for a coffee, or during your lunch break. If you are not interested in the person, then you can make a quick exit if you have only agreed to meet for half an hour or an hour, and if you do like him/her then you can stay where you are or arrange to meet up again.

• Be Yourself

One of the biggest mistakes people make when going on a blind date is trying to be someone they aren’t.

When meeting someone for the first time, be yourself. Whether that means going all out, or remaining casual, your personality will shine through only if you’re not trying to be something you aren’t. While first impressions are important, do not feel the need to wear heels on a Sunday if you’d normally wear flip-flop sandals. He/She wants to know who you are; not who you think he/she wants you to be.

• Better Safe than Sorry

Whilst going on a blind date can be exciting and fun, remember that you have no knowledge about the person you are meeting. If you have been set up through mutual friends, they will most likely have a rough idea of your plans. But just in case, make sure someone knows exactly where and when you’re meeting.

• Saying Good-bye

Should you tell him/her you aren’t interested? It’s always best to do whatever you think feels right. If you are interested in going out with him/her again, make sure he/she knows it and tell him/her that you will call. If you aren’t interested in seeing him/her again, make sure that you let him/her know. It’s better to be honest then stringing him/her along to false hopes.

• Getting to Know the person

Pay close attention to the things he/she says, which can reveal a lot. Discussing taste in music, film, food, and art can be a great way to find out if you two have common interests – or nothing in common at all!

You should also look for common “warning signs” when on a blind date. If the person does any of the following, watch out!

Talks about his/her ex throughout the date

Speaks badly about his/her mother or exs

Treats the waiters and/or other people rudely

Remember not everyone’s tastes are the same, and there will be things that you do not like, such as lack of hygiene etc..

These are your own warning signs, so don’t ignore them!

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Romance is at the heart of any dating experience. If you don’t consider yourself romantic then you are wrong. I don’t know of anyone on this planet who doesn’t have the ability to fall in love. Therefore if you can fall in love, you can be romantic too. Romance is not in the grand gestures, it is in the small details. Women will often say that it is the small things that matter. The small gestures but it is down to both men and women to start being romantic. It is a two-way process and both parties get an immense amount of pleasure from showing they care about someone. Yes we would all love to have a romantic picnic on a deserted Caribbean beach with the person of our dreams but romance begins closer to home with tips such as these:

• Understand what romance means and why it is important and learn what romantic aspects there are to your own character. No one has a heart made of stone, however tough their exterior.
• Understand that romance is not the sole domain of women and that men who are romantic are far more successful when dating
• Romance has nothing whatsoever to do with masculinity. In fact, being romantic can enhance your masculinity and reputation with girls.
• Not all women are naturally romantic either but that doesn’t have to be the case.
• The key to being romantic is thoughtfulness. So start being a little less thoughtless and selfish.
• Communicate with your partner on every level and anticipate their desires and needs.
• Look at your partner when they are talking and hold their gaze
• Learn that mood, location, situation and ambience can heighten romance with dramatic effect
• Phone just to say hello, I love you and surprise your partner
• Learn to say, I love you and mean it. Don’t say it ever, if you don’t mean it
• Send them notes and small cards telling them you are thinking of them
• Be spontaneous and do little deeds that show you are thinking about them
• Start going for walks together, whatever the weather
• Put your partner first, particularly as a surprise with a spontaneous trip away
• Think creatively and plan a surprise weekend away
• Buy flowers any time of the year, nice ones not just roses
• Remember birthdays, anniversaries and landmark days such as the day you first met and plan something
• Listen to the clues your partner gives you, such as things they like and books they read and buy little gifts
• Keep being romantic. In a good relationship, romance never ends
• Compromise. Putting yourself first is not romantic.
• Write him/her a letter and let them know that you love them and you mean it. People send far few letters these days. Use good quality stationery too.
• Watch romantic movies together and invest quality time doing the things you share and both enjoy
• Make cards rather than buying them. It shows thought and inspiration.
• Take your partner on a picnic to the park or beach and prepare in advance without involving them. Initiative illustrates romance nicely
• Don’t be a cold fish. Learn how to hug, cuddle and make physical contact. Touching without sex is far more romantic but don’t always hug without kissing!
• Kiss your date and learn to appreciate the finer qualities of kissing for its own sake
• Dance together when the occasion arises and show them special attention
• Hold hands and do anything make your partner feel close to you
• Talk chat and converse about anything and everything
• Allow your partner to breathe and do separate things to heighten the sense of romance when you are together
• If you don’t cook dinner for your date, start learning my friend. A surprise dinner with candles is romantic
• Buy small gifts spontaneously that show great thought in what they enjoy. But not too many otherwise it has the opposite effect
• Remember that romance is often about giving of yourself, even if it is simply your precious time when you could have had other plans. Making your partner a priority is vital
• Do things that make you both laugh. Laughter and romance go hand in hand
• Remember that romance is in the small details and does not need to be expensive in any way. I’d rather receive a handmade card any day than an expensive gift
• Anticipate your partner’s wishes and desires to show them you are listening to them and that you care
• Expect rightfully that romance is a two-way process though the romance you provide is simply giving of yourself

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Can true love still bloom in our cynical modern era?

February 2012

Is love and romance dead do you think? I don’t think so at all. After pondering the question I came to the decision that romance must be alive and well and living in all of us, it may just be hiding. Well most of us anyway. It is a question that women may be accused of asking more than men. But I know a lot of men who would ask the same question. Listen to me when I say – romance is not dead; even if it can appear to be dead some days. The question is, why do we think it has gone?

The answer of course does depend on what you mean by romance. Romance is many different things to many different people. It can mean kissing in the rain, it can mean holding a door open, showing respect, buying flowers, moving a seat, supporting an arm, making a Valentine’s card, creating surprises for your loved one, even helping them when they are in need, but it generally relates directly to affection and togetherness. Romance is the art of demonstrating your feelings in an outward fashion and making someone feel special. You won’t be romantic to someone you don’t want romance with, so it is a coming together of two like-minded people that allows romance to flourish.

Why do we think that love and romance have gone? This is most obviously demonstrated in a passionless world where sex has become main stream. Sex of course is not romance. Sex is exactly that, sex. It may be part of romance, it may be integral to love and a relationship, but romance is something altogether different. Romance appears to have vanished in our lives because people are so busy, so directional, so needy for the things that assist them in functioning. In other words, our lives are quite selfish really. We may not like to admit it, but we do first, what helps ourselves, and then secondly we help others. With romance, your own needs are subjugated by your own free will to allow for the benefit of your chosen partner.

Men are often accused of not being romantic, and being too practical instead. That may be true yes, but it is not fair on men to say that all the time. The practicality of men often belies their romantic nature. By fixing something up, be repairing, mending, doing, helping, that’s often a man showing consideration, effort, attention, affection and yes, ladies, romance! The problem is, the lady doesn’t always see it that way. Covered all day in oil in the yard is not romantic, except perhaps in a movie or two. Arguing with a waiter or in a shop is not assisting, it is being belligerent and rude and therefore not romantic in the least. However do try and understand that a man thinks that if he is assisting or helping, he is being considerate.

When considering love and romance, romance is about effort, about winning favour, about deserving love, about respect. One only needs to read Chaucer’s The Knight’s Tale to read a full description on the concept of romance. What I am arguing is that if you want to be romantic, you need to understand what it is to be romantic. Does it mean you need to watch French cinema, read romantic novels, and listen to romantic music. Maybe yes it does! Our world can be a soulless world, and more often than not romance is missing from our daily lives. But it needn’t be so. I argue that if you are willing and able to relearn romance for yourself, then you can begin to practise it. Romance is not a definite art form. Just because the person you’re with buys you a rose, doesn’t make them any more romantic. But maybe it is a romantic gesture if it is spontaneous.

The largest arrangement of red roses, the most expensive seat at the opera, and the most luxurious car in the lot are not romantic, especially when they are regularly provided. Romance is about small thoughts and expression, about giving and feeling, about caring for someone and wanting to show someone how special they are. It’s about the details, about the small things in life that you put a lot of attention into especially to make someone else’s life better on one way or another. Now that is romance.

Trust is the foundation to any new relationship

February 2012

To paraphrase the opening lines of one of my favourite movies, Casino, spoken by Robert DeNiro; “When you love someone, you trust them, there is no other way. You give them the keys to everything that’s yours, otherwise what’s the point”. For me, those words sum up a lifetime of dating and relationships for the very essence of any relationships is quite simply, trust.

Trust is when we implicitly rely on the truth about our situation and what we are told and what we are led to believe. We give trust and we take trust at face value. We believe in the person we are dating, in the person we love and we do not question it. Trust is unspoken, it is not denied, and it is part of everything we place our faith in.

Trust is the foundation of our dating experience because we want to be able to rely on someone and be relied upon. It is a tow-way faith experience where both parties have a support system that has undeniable truth at its core. In the first hours of our first date with someone we really like, we attempt to establish that trust. We ask questions and receive answers and we rely upon the basic truth in the picture that unfolds.

When someone says they want to build up a level of trust they really mean that their trust in someone previously had been badly damaged and that they are cautious and have barriers that they need to remove over time. However by not trusting in the beginning you are denying the possibilities of truth at the early stages. You are sceptical and unforgiving to avoid hurt. Do you believe that love at first sight requires months of trust building afterwards?

To find a future relationship that has romance and passion you do need to open up your heart and you do need to find a level of trust in someone fairly early on that will allow your potential partner to feel that sense of romance and passion too. Someone who constantly feels that have to prove themselves will quickly get tired if they are genuine and will ultimately move on. None of us want to be seen as untrustworthy so keep that in the back of your mind.

When you date it is very natural to ask lots of questions and note the answers, even if they are hidden deep within happy conversation. Cross checking on the first few dates is natural too and often the path to quickly building that trust. Few people are expert liars and this is because it requires a stupendously good memory. Most people who try and mislead you will be caught out by the second or third date. This is why you should never sleep with a person too soon either. So taking your time when dating will allow trust to build because you will feel confident in what you are being told.

The other thing to bear in mind is that the specifics of trust are not written in stone. There are few people in this word who haven’t told a little white lie. Dating can be a powerful and emotional experience and people want to make a good impression. Therefore on any first few dates you can imagine that some minor details may have been exaggerated. This does NOT mean the person you are dating is bad. But you do need to satisfy yourself of the truth and decide accordingly. Where you do need to be cautious is when you are kept in the dark about more key details such as career, area they live in, friends, and family etc. A person who is open and truly honest will be able to talk for hours about anything that crops up.

Do’s and dont’s for your next night out

January 2012

When you start dating, following a few rules of thumb will help you be more successful. It’s tempting to avoid restating the basics, but the truth is, we all forget them from time to time. Dating is about two people coming together to get to know one another and find out whether they are compatible, then enjoying each other’s company and eventually forming a close bond. During this process, there are some important guidelines you should remember:

• Dating should always be fun, and it’s as much your responsibility as it is your partner’s to ensure that it is. When you’re dating, make sure you do everything you can to make the time you spend together enjoyable.

• Eye contact is crucial, and it’s good etiquette to give your date as much of your attention as possible. They should feel like they are the only person in the room. Do not use a date as an excuse for general partying.

• Always be courteous and complimentary. Your date has made an effort to look nice for you, and your negative opinions and comments are unwelcome at this stage.

• Never ogle your date. It’s rude, and it proves that all you care about is the other person’s physical appearance. This will turn a woman off faster than almost anything else.

• Always show up for a date, unless you’ve given notice and let the other person know you have to cancel. Standing someone up is not acceptable, and it shows contempt for your prospective date by wasting their time. That kind of arrogance is detestable.

• Always be on time, and never keep your date waiting. If your transportation is unreliable, plan ahead and leave early so you can be there when the other person arrives. Being late shows a lack of respect for your date and illustrates how disorganized you are.

• Never be flashy or extravagant. There’s no need to attempt to impress your partner with your wealth and importance. It shows no taste whatsoever to throw your credit card around and order expensive champagne, unless you’re only after cheap thrills and don’t care how it makes you look in front of the person you’re trying to get to know.

• Smoking excessively during a date is bad form, unless your partner also enjoys chain-smoking. In general, smoking in a restaurant will do nothing for your image and shows crass disregard for others.

• Don’t be arrogant on your date, and try to avoid talking about politics and/or religion in the early stages. You may be very opinionated on certain topics, but that does not mean you’re right, or that your opinions won’t offend the person you’re with. Arrogance makes most people feel uncomfortable, so avoid it at all costs.

• Never argue or be rude to others during your date — it simply is unacceptable. You’re trying to show the other person your best qualities, so arguing about the tip or whether the wine is chilled enough will make you look like a fool.

• Be a good listener, and don’t talk your date to death. Listening shows interest and the ability to compromise. If your idea of a date is talking about yourself and your opinions all night, then do the world a favour and stay at home alone.

• Dress well. In this day and age, there is absolutely no excuse for looking shabby. Dressing poorly shows laziness and will do nothing to make you look good. Furthermore, it shows a lack of respect for your date, who has more than likely made an effort to dress nicely.

• Never swear or use bad language. It will make you sound like an idiot. If you want to find the person of your dreams, you must treat them with respect.

• Never discuss your other dates or how many people you’ve slept with. It’s rude and shows you have no class.

• Even if you don’t like your date, don’t be quick to give them a hard time. Your partner is human and, like you, deserves to always to be treated with respect. You can still have a good time hanging out with someone you’re not attracted to, so treating them badly just because they’re not your type is unacceptable. Rudeness is not allowed.

• Never tell lies on a date to get someone into bed or to try to make yourself sound good. You will be found out, and then you will be rejected. Tell the truth, or avoid a subject if necessary.

• Make sure your date feels comfortable at all times, and never do anything that might make them uncomfortable. Also, a man should always make sure his date gets home safely in a cab or by other means.

• Never try to sleep with someone on the first date. Sex comes later. If you sleep together too early, chances are it will be over before it began.

• Be as entertaining and witty as possible, and never rely on getting drunk as a fall-back plan. Drinking too much on a date shows that you have no respect for your partner and makes a mockery of the whole situation.

• Call when you say you’ll call, and never leave someone hanging. If you didn’t have a good time on your date, don’t falsely promise anything or leave the door open. Doing so shows great disrespect for the other person, and it’s much easier for everyone if you’re honest about how you feel.

January 2012

Life, my friend, is not fair. Instead life is one giant advert and in your case you are the creative director and subject of your own advert. No one else is going to do it for you. Get it right and you reap the rewards. Get it wrong and you will be ignored and forgotten. And such is the premise of life for the single dater. Life shouldn’t be like this, people should love us for who we are and what we are. They should be able to see our hidden depths immediately and focus in on everything that we know to be good about ourselves. But like any product in the world today, you don’t know about it unless you sell it.

Self promotion begins with the basic product for sale – you. If it is no good, no one will buy into it. You may be able to fool the odd one or two but that’s about it. So the first step has to be to sort out your product and make sure it is as appealing as possible. Whilst I get lots of comments about how one has matured and is able to look below the surface, the surface is the first thing we encounter so it needs to be presentable.

You have to remember when promoting yourself that first appearances count, however much you hate that truth. And worse still another cliché, people do judge a book by its cover. Almost everything in our daily lives is marketed to us and it’s rare we get much for free (well this site being one of those rare exceptions!). So in short, you need to go into the bathroom and strip and take a good hard look at yourself. Once you have done that go and put your best clothes on and take another long hard look. Then be ruthless about your judgment. You will never see yourself as others do but do be brave enough to ask closest friends what they think too.

Now at this juncture you must concentrate. You already know your good and bad points but be realistic, I know people should love you for everything you are, but lets get to that later. First of all, what can you change about yourself that you can live with and that is possible and that will help you appeal to your chosen market. Don’t sell yourself short though. You want to be appealing to as wider an audience as feasible. If you are 50 and overweight you may not appeal to 21 year olds however much you wish you did. People generally date within a 10 year date range maximum. Beyond that and you are generally in rarity territory.

Okay so you know what can be fixed and you know your market and so the next thing is to go and do something about it. Good intentions never solved anything so get on that treadmill, join that diet class, get yourself out shopping, do get your hair cut and sort out your image. Once you have upgraded and maintained your image, your self confidence will soar. In doing so you will believe in the product you are offering – you!. If you believe in yourself you can do anything. Positive mental attitude is the most ignored and underrated thing you can achieve. You can turn yourself around in days and weeks buy feeling good about yourself.

Okay so a few weeks down the line you have recreated your product and you have selected your market and you know it will sell so now it’s time to go out there and market yourself. Self promotion is the name of the game. In the same was that faint heart never won fair lady, so staying at home in front of the TV never won anyone. Unless you talk to as many people as possible and socialize and join clubs and attend social functions and parties and events you won’t meet people. If you don’t meet people you won’t be able to make impressions on them and allow them to see what you have to offer. Marketing and self promotion isn’t just about image, it’s a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more chance you will encounter someone who wants your product – you!

You will find it easier to approach people because you believe in yourself and the more people you meet who express an interest so the more you will feel good. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. Keep at it and you will never look back. But whilst being sociable and meeting people keep in mind that your self promotion plan has a goal. That goal may be a new relationship. It may be many dates, it may be company or it may even be marriage and children. But whatever it is, part of your overall promotion plan must be to set attainable goals and then go after them. Everything in life takes time and effort to achieve. I know to all of us, some people appear to have it all, but apart from looks which we can’t control, the difference between us all is largely down to pure effort. Talents don’t mean much unless we use them.

These are some common traits in successful, well-liked people:

•         They are happy

•         They are fun

•         They are reliable

•         They make people feel good

•         They have a good sense of humor

•         They are organized

•         They are confident

•         They have direction

•         They are good listeners and can assist

•         They have goals and ambition

•         They are dynamic and spontaneous

And remember that if things do take time, your life has already changed for the better and you are well on your way to meeting the person of your dreams. I am sorry to suggest that we view ourselves using the language of commerce as it is somewhat tasteless but it is a simple truth about our modern society. Learn from the world about you to make yourself the most attractive you can be.

When you promote yourself to people when dating try and do the following to assist you in being a successful dater:

•         Be nice to all the people you meet

•         Meet as many people as you can

•         Learn to be sociable and willing

•         Learn to smile at people naturally

•         Be kind and considerate and generous

•         Learn to listen and be open minded

•         Lean to like yourself

•         Change the things you don’t like about yourself

•         Give yourself a makeover and be ruthless if necessary

•         Don’t stay indoors unless necessary

•         Learn about what makes people popular and copy their methods

•         Try to be happy and content with who you are as a person

•         Remove negative aspects and influences in your life permanently

•         Set attainable goals for yourself

•         have a mental image of how you see yourself in 3 years time and work towards it every day

•         Don’t suffer fools gladly though. You are not a fool either.